Why?
by HiddenOutOfView
Summary: My heart stops. "M-m-magnus?" I whisper. - For Alec, that was the one thing that he couldn't handle. That could break him into thousands of tiny pieces... but, everyone makes mistakes? Right? - Alec's POV


_Hiya! __This is my first fanfic so please give it a go and tell me what you think :) _

_I love Magnus and Alec together so I'm not too sure where this even came from but hopefully by the end it will make sense... _

_Characters belong to the amazing Cassandra Clare_

* * *

My heart stops.

"M-m-magnus?" I whisper.

The figures standing in the opening to our – no – his bedroom don't stop.

They are all over each other; mouths gasping feverishly for air as their hands grope each other's bodies widely, desperately. Despite the noise of the party which I just walked into in Magnus's apartment, the ringing in my ears brings siring tears to my eyes as I continue to stare at my boyfriend tug someone else into the bedroom.

The lustful looks in their eyes brought me back to my senses as I realise I have fallen to the ground, staring desperately at the closing door to the room across the living space which is full of gyrating dancers, drunken people, and rubbish clattered all over the floor around my hands and feet.

My vision blurs as I stumble across the floor; I need to know. I need to know that he is really doing this. That my, that Magnus is doing this to me.

That he is going to tear my heart out and through it back into by face with a revengeful thrust.

I don't think of the consequences that this will make. That it has already made. I just force my way through the crowd, ignoring any comments that people shout to me; it just passes straight through me. I rub my eyes to free my vision and as I stagger into the bedroom door, open it, and see the same two figures pressed against the wardrobe door and each other, breathing heavily and gasping – completely un-aware of the newest figure in the room.

I've lost my voice. My stomach is churning round and round; I think I'm going to be sick.

I've lost my sight. My eyes are blurring viciously as I try to wipe away the salty water that is spreading across my face.

I've lost the will to breath when Magnus lifts his head, obviously sensing someone else is there, and watches my eyes fill with a new round of tears that begin to crash down my cheeks.

I will not let him see me cry like this.

Our eyes lock for a second as I cruelly smack the tears of my face and turn as strongly as possible from the room and make my way back into the sea of people.

My breathing ricochets violently as I once again stagger to the other side of the room. I can hear Magnus shouting. I can hear Magnus calling my name. I can hear Magnus scream at the top of voice for me to stop, wait.

But I can't listen to anything he says now.

I can hardly hear myself as my heart hammers in my chest; about to explode.

I blindly run down the stairs, catching myself just before I fall down the last few and crash into the street where the cold night winds batter around me. Pushing me and tearing me and screaming at me all at once. My eyes burn as the tears pour into the streets I run through to get to the Institution.

He really did it.

For once in my life I thought that everything was going to be okay – now that I had Magnus and we were perfect together.

But no. Somewhere deep inside I thought this was going to happen; but did I listen to myself? No

And look where that's left me.

He really, really did it.

And the pain is un-bearable.

The images of our locked eyes cover my vision as I run into the institution and hurtle around corridors until I reach my door.

Nothing will stop me. Even as I hear Izzy screech meaning less questions at me and hear her calling for Jace to help I don't stop. My room is the only place where I have to get to now.

I don't care if she saw me with red rimmed eyes or wild hair or a completely broken face.

Because I am broken.

Shattered into hundreds of thousands of pieces.

And nothing can take this feeling away today.

Nothing.

When I reach my room, I slam the door behind me and let out a cry that I never thought I would ever, ever release. My sobs just get louder and louder as I crunch down to the floor and curl myself into the smallest space I can. My chest tightens as once again, the cat like eyes whirl into my eyes and stare back at me, un-caring.

The last thing I do is reach up, grab hold of the lock, and twist it so that no one can come in.

No one can disturb me now.

The sun blinds me when I wake in the morning. My crusted eyes screw up as I find that I am lying on the ground by my door, fully dressed, with a deep ache in my chest.

Magnus.

I sit up slowly and lean against my bedroom door, rub my eyes and stare at my empty room.

I feel blank – a new day has begun and I have no way of starting to live it. All I can do is stare into empty spaces and try to clear my eyes and soothe the pounding head ache which is filling my head.

Cat eyes.

Blank faces.

Roaring winds.

Worried siblings.

That last one forced the first tear to slip slowly out of my eye, run down my cheek, off my chin, and settle softly in my hand.

The panicked voices yelling after me last night didn't bother me then; and now what have I done?

I have properly caused Izzy to worry all night and try and get Jace to see me or get in my room or call Magnus.

A sudden moan is realised from my lips as I bang my head against the door.

Look what I have done!

And what's worst, is I don't know what I did for him to, to, to do THAT to me.

The tears slowly begin to trickle their way down my face once more and I don't even have the energy to wipe them away. I just sit here.

The faint sounds of footsteps coming from behind the door don't move me.

The quiet, muffled voices of my siblings don't move me either; all I do is silently sit on the cold, hard floor and weep.

"Alec?"

That's Izzy, she sounds… upset. "Alec, please what's the matter? Let me in. Why were you crying last night? What happened?" No answer comes from my lips "Please! Alec I phoned Magnus but he didn't answer – What's wrong? Alec!"

"Izzy" I can hear Jace trying to calm her down from outside my door. Their muffled whispers seem to struggle for dominance and when I finally hear Izzy sigh and someone march away it leaves me with the feeling that things are about to get worse.

"Alec, let me in" He sighed as I just thumped the door in response to his statement. He is not coming in. "Alec, let me in now"

"No" I let the word gruffly fall from my mouth. My voice hurts to speak. Everything hurts.

"Alec, look let me in and we can, er, talk about it" Jace isn't good with emotional stuff. He doesn't need to be. He is in his perfect state like I should be in too.

But the thing is, is I'm not. And I don't want him to do anything about it.

All I want is for clocks to turn back, and for me to have gone round Magnus's yesterday and be greeted by loving arms and a light laughter when I swiftly kiss my boyfriend on the check.

The silence that follows is an answer enough for him to get the picture that no-one is coming in or out of this room for a long time.

After a few more seconds Jace lets out a sigh of his own and says "You dropped your phone yesterday when you ran to your room. I'm gonna leave it here. And um, Alec, Magnus has been trying to call you for hours. In fact it was keeping my up all night along with your moans that travelled all the way into my room – it was annoying if you were wondering?" The slight joke in his voice doesn't even lift the corners of my mouth – I am shocked that Magnus had been phoning. "Er, well, listen to them okay? I don't know what happened last night but, well, yeah. See ya mate"

I listen as Jace places the phone down outside my door and walks away without another word.

I let out a strangled breath as I try to wrap my head around the fact that Magnus's voice will be on my phone if I just turn around, unlock the door, and pick up any calls or texts.

Breathe.

I can do this.

He is nothing now. Not with what he did to you. He can't hurt you anymore.

I try to compose my shaky breathing, and jerkily unlock my door, reach my hand outside and pull in my phone.

On top of it is a bright pink sticky lable. It says 'I'm bringing breakfast up in a bout 10mins. Love you xxx'. Izzy. My heart drops again as I remember how horrible I must be being to her at the moment. She is even making breakfast for me. The food might not be great, but she is really trying and what have I done this morning? I've thrown it back into her face.

I try to think of something else as I unlock my phone and see that I have 27 missed calls and 39 new text messages.

I let out another shaky breath as I click the missed calls and see that 26 of them had left voice mail; all from Magnus Bane.

I shut my eyes, daring myself to be indifferent to whatever he has to say. To whatever excuse he might send at me. I will not cry over his words again.

I bite my lower lip harshly as I press a random voice mail and slowly lift it to my ear.

And the voice I hear shocks me.

"Alec, Alec, Baby, Alec Alec Alec I'm so-"

The voice was cracked, muffled and broken.

It is the same voice that comes out of my moaning mouth as I throw my phone across my room and collapse into a sobbing wreck. His voice was so dark, and broken and worried and I don't understand why.

The pool of water that surrounds my face does nothing to help soothe the burning pain the crashes its way around my face and body and heart.

The gasp from my doorway isn't even enough to make me lift my aching head of the ground where I hear my sister drop the tray of food she was carrying.

The sudden warmth of her face against mine and her arms wrapped around my curled side and little whispers of comfort she gives me don't even make it stop.

It is too much.

So, we lay there.

Izzy lies on the floor next to me, softly pushing my hair out of my face and wiping my eyes and hugging me close into her thin frame as I choke anguished cries from my defeated body.

She doesn't ask me why this time.

And I thank her for it.

People say that older siblings are supposed to set examples to their brothers and sisters, teach then right from wrong; it is amazing how much they have taught me though. I have failed Izzy and Jace, and Izzy, lying here next to me now, comforting me and pouring all of her love to me shows me how much she cares for me despite my lack of care for her. Of course, I am an overprotective big brother and she will always talk to me about anything, but at this moment in time, having her shoulder to cry on seems to have pulled us even closer together.

It has pulled Magnus and me apart.

The stroking hand on my head pauses slowly as a hear footsteps coming into my room. I peer up at Izzy's face as I see her shaking her head firmly, but with little movements to whoever was behind me obviously saying no to whatever they had said. Who is it?

I don't want anyone seeing me like this. Only Izzy and Jace, maybe.

Izzy must know about Magnus and me since Jace had my phone all night. She must have placed two and two together, right?

What had she put together? What did actually happen?

I freeze as I lay there, watching Izzy mouth "No Jace" and it dawns on me that Jace must have something important to say as he has come into my room, whilst … emotional stuff is happening. I sniff slowly and gently squeeze Izzy back as I feel her arms tighten suddenly around me.

I can hear more footsteps.

As Izzy gasps loudly and I jerkily raise my body up from the hard floor, and wipe my head around – eyes squinting in the sudden exposure to the light which has been hidden from my eyes for hours now, and see a second figure standing in the door.

There is a moment of silence where I flash my eyes towards my siblings. Whoever it is, I don't want them here. They should know that.

But they just stare at each other, the person at the door and finally settle their eyes on me.

I txake a long, shaky breath, wipe my eyes roughly and turn back so that I am staring into the corner of my room way over by the window. "I – don't – want to speak to anyone". My voice cuts out at the end as I take in a sharp breath of air.

"Alec"

The voice which is so quiet and soft and broken and empty launches itself at my ears. I would know that voice anywhere.

Anywhere.

My breathing starts to pick up its pace and I try to hold back a whimper of fear and I try my best not to turn back and look at _him_. I can here shuffling in my room and I peer out of the corner of my eye where I can see Izzy's frame to the side of me; "Alec". Izzy's questioning, almost pleading tone makes my heart hammer faster as I roughly shake my head as my hair falls again into my eyes. "Please-"

"No. Get out." My voice is low. It quavers on the last note. I will not cry. I will not cry. I mustn't let him see me cry. "Now"

I can't take it anymore; if they don't leave I am going to burst. If he doesn't leave I am going to … I don't know. I realise that I don't know what I am going to do if he doesn't go… He has already gone once so why won't he go now? I can still feel his presence in the door frame, it's like I am trapped in my own hole which was once my haven. Unable to escape the demanding eyes which I can feel burning into my head.

"Alexander pl-"

"GET OUT NOW!" I scream at the top of my voice as I shove Izzy away ungraciously and she quickly leaves my room and hear the echoing of his voice in my head. Drained and cracked and … destroyed.

I bite down on my lower lip as hard as I can and screw myself up whilst I kneel exactly where I was sat before. I am visibly shaking as I try not to cry. I scream inside and I smash my teeth together and hold back the sobs which are about to burst out of my throat. I bang my fist as hard as I can against my knees and press my hand over my face as I feel my eyes brimming up with tears that cannot. Will not. Be spread. My breathing is ragged. I am going to be sick.

I am actually going to be sick.

I stumble upwards and towards my bed as I lose my footing and then crash into my drawers as I rush to get my bathroom before I throw up on my floor. My heart is racing whilst my stomach tightens uneasily as I push myself into the ensuite and collapse on the floor beside the toilet.

Damn it.

Head spinning, I feel myself vomit into the toilet and wretch as I choke on my tears which are now free falling madly down my cheeks. I feel so gross and ill and distraught and –

UGHHH – DAMN IT

My hair sticks to my forehead and my hands tremor as I continue to shake and sob and silently wish that none of this ever happened. That when I originally left his apartment that I hadn't made such a fuss – although – I guess it was true…

I feel another rush of nausea climbing up my already burning throat and as I lean over the rim once more, tears still dripping from my chin, I feel a warm hand lightly touch my back as I throw up once more.

I flinch violently as the pressure moves to massage my shoulders but I quickly wipe my face with the back of my shaking hands and snap my head to see Magnus worriedly shaking his head as I glare at him and turn my face back to the horrific site before me.

I angrily flush the toilet and grab some tissue of the side and wipe my face viciously.

He has no right! NO RIGHT with his red rimmed eyes and wide hair and make-up free face to turn up and try to make ME feel bad for HIM.

He wasn't helping me! He was getting more damn attention!

"Get the hell away from me" I spit out at him; the venom in my voice finally filling the room.

The sadness is still there though – God it burns and burns me – but now, the anger has taken over.

I don't care what he thinks what I look like now or how he just saw me being sick or what my tear stained face must be doing to him as he stares straight back at me as one little tear drops down his face.

I have a sudden urge to rush up to him. To catch that tear. To say sorry. To beg him to hug me and kiss me and make it all better.

But the fact is. It is not going to get better. It is his _damn _fault that I am here, tears rolling down my face as we stare at each other. _His fault._

Why isn't he saying anything!

Damn it! I want to scream so much and crack into tiny pieces that can be swept away but the cat-like eyes pierce me.

I turn away and lean my arms against the sink as I let a hollow, dark chuckle escape my burning throat.

"I said-" My voice is oozing with anger now despite the little quiver at the end "get. out. now!"

He flinches as the words hit him one by one. As if I have punched him over and over again.

_**But hey,**_ he has punched me so hard that I don't think I can get back together now. When he dragged that … THING into his room with only one dirty, disgusting thought on his mind was when he slammed me to the ground and kicked me so that I felt like nothing, lying on the ground of what was once our apartment.

I bear my fists against the cold, hard porcelain bowl and scrunch my eyes up, begging the tears not to fall anymore.

He still stands there though. In silence. I try to calm my breathing as the silence feels like it is choking me as I am bent over the sink.

It felt like a decade before I hear his voice that brings me back to my senses which feel all fuzzy and muffled now.

I quickly snap around to face him as he says something else.

"Alex-" his voice breaks and he looks to the ground before pressing his eyes back up to mine "-ander. I, I, I'm so sor-r-ry. I didn't mean to. I didn't know. I, I am sorry. She – she did something to me"

I flash my eyes at him before rolling them away to face the mirror "Yeah your damn right she did – had you wrapped her little finger right? OH WAIT. No. That was HER wrapped around YOU."

"She- ALEC LOOK at me! PLEASE! SHE PUT SOMETHING IN MY DRINK! IT WASN'T ME"

Lies. ALL LIES. "I saw you –THE GREAT MAGNUS DAMN BANE. _Trust me_. It was you"

Trust me. I thought we trusted each other. I thought that was what built a good relationship.

That is until someone stabs you in the back and goes off with another person. A women for god's sake! I know he is bi – but I always thought he had a thing for guys more. Like me.

Obviously NOT the case now.

Magnus moans as he walks towards me and roughly grips his head "DAMN IT ALEC. YOU DON'T GET IT! IT WASN'T ME!"

"I GET THAT YOU WERE ALL OVER SOMEONE ELSE. WHO WASN'T YOUR BOYFRIEND. WHO YOU WERE READY TO TAKE THEN AND THERE TO ADD TO YOUR LIST OF-"

"SHE DID SOMETHING TO MY DRINK ALEC! I COULDN'T HELP IT"

"COULDN'T HELP YOURSELF MORE LIKE!"

Magnus jumps forwards to me and grabs my shoulders which are still shaking over the sink.

So I slap him.

Right across his right cheek.

Hard.

The room goes silent and the echoes of our screams are nowhere to be found.

My stomach lurches as I realise what I have done. As my boyfriend, _no_, as Magnus's eyes brim with tears I know that I shouldn't have done that.

Ever.

But I did. And now? Now I am the one who is the monster.

I stare widely at Magnus as my stinging hand wavers in the air and I automatically turn to the corner of the room and bite my wobbling lip and let a single tear fall from my aching eyes.

Why?

A hand softly touches my shoulder and I flinch but stay looking away.

I am a monster. I just hit him. I just hit the person that I love. Loved. -

I look over my shoulder and see Magnus holding a soft, quivering smile at me even though tears are slowly, one by one, trickling down his tired face with a large red mark spreading over his cheek.

Why?

Never have I seen him like this, broken, and open and vulnerable.

I raise my left shaky hand over my mouth as I drag in a heart wrenching sob before more tears fall onto my face too.

One tear lingers on his face, slowly tracing the path that many must have taken before him, pausing only just on his chin. I reach out and catch it before it falls.

Staring widely into his eyes makes everything worse. I remember back when our eyes met, and he stared back at me. Uncaring.

And now? I can't even tell what his glistening eyes are telling me.

I feel one tear on my own face make it's path downwards, but before Magnus's hand has time to reach it, I turn away and the pressure is lost from my shoulder.

How could I be such a monster?

I try to speak but my voice catches in my throat and I can't see as tears completely gloss over my eyes. I hunch down and lean against the sink from the floor.

I am sorry. Sorry. Sorry. SORRY

Why won't my voice work?

I can feel him move to the floor too and sit before me but I keep my eyes glued shut as the remaining tears fall. My hands are knotting together and my hair is still sticking to my forehead which is stinging with the headache I had from this morning.

Magnus doesn't say a word, but I feel a feather touch on my hands which stops them immediately from bruising each other. He doesn't say a word as he lightly wipes away the moisture settling over my face. He doesn't say a word as he tips my chin up gently with his warm hand and moves the hair out of my eyes and softly strokes my hair.

With my eyes glued shut a small mummer leaves my lips.

"sorry"

I am sorry that I did that to him. I am sorry I ignored him. I am sorry that I didn't listen to him.

Because the thing is, I believe him now. The silence that we had shared somehow, and don't ask me how, proved to me that he wasn't lying. And that it wasn't really him at all.

The light touch pauses for a second before the graceful pressure moves again to my face where it delicately wipes under my eyes and under my chin once again, lifting it to meet the softest of kisses I have ever felt before.

I don't jerk away or push him back or do anything. Only I keep my eyes closed as the pressure is removed.

"I'm sorry Alexander" His whisper causes a shiver to roll throughout my body as his words ghost along my slightly parted lips.

My eyes flicker open as I watch Magnus's worried eyes bare straight into my own. Telling me how sorry he really is. Letting me inside him which is something he never, ever, would let anyone else do.

He kisses my swiftly on the forehead and once again murmurs "I am so so sorry."

"Mag-s, I, you, don't need-d- to be sorry. I, I-"

One single tear leaks from my eyes this time, "-I never, should have… I didn't mean it.. I am so sorr-"

My quite, cracking voice is stopped as my quavering lips and the single tear are stopped again by the lips which used to be mine.

"Don't be. I deserved it"

"You… you never ever deserved that Magnus. I don't, you can just, you can go if you want to…"

I trail off as Magnus's face looms over mine with worry lines still creasing over his face.

"Never. Alexander – can, can you forgive me- can, can you – I'm sorry"

"Shhhh"

I close my eyes once again and lean my head back against the sink. "I, I, still – love – you"

The rustling of my shirt and pants are the only noise that's made as Magnus softly as he can, lifts my weak body into his arms.

He walks me out of my bathroom, and I hear the door being quietly shut and then he is placing me under the covers of my bed and trailing his hand over my back and legs as his gently raises the covers back over me, all the way until they are tucked under my chin.

Wrapped up all safe and warm.

I think he is about to go so I upon my tired eyes and am shocked as his cat like eyes are staring straight back into mine, as close as can be.

"I love you with all of my heart Alexander. I am so sorry that happened. I will never. Ever. Love someone the way I love you."

His words caress me so delicately I just weekly smile and lift my face up just enough to kiss him on his cheek.

Pain flashes through his eyes as if he is remember what I did and as I am about to apologies again, he gently lifts back the covers and climbs into the single bed next to be.

He wraps his arms around my weak frame and kisses my shoulder and neck and cheek and when he reaches my lips, I feel him sigh and whisper softly "You could never hurt me like I have hurt you."

And before I can change his words, this kiss tells me that everything is okay.

That everything will be forgotten one day.

And that Magnus still loves me with everything he's got.

* * *

:'( _I hope the endings alright? Poor Alec and Magnus - but everything will get better soon :)_

_Please review! Any feedback would be great ~ Thank you!_


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